How to Be a Movie Criminal

Being a movie villain is incredibly easy. There’s really nothing to it. You can get away with almost anything, and half the time, the audience will cheer for your wicked plans to succeed. The best part is, you don’t need any real education or skills, and most of your “bad guy supplies” can be found already lying around your house.

Need to steal a car? In movies, all you have to do is reach underneath the steering column and pull a handful of wires loose. Next, touch the ends of any two random wires together. This will easily start the car, and you’re free to drive away in mere seconds.

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Have a crack at safe-cracking? Twice as easy. Just grab a stethoscope and some duct tape. Now get to the nearest safe and tape the end of the scope to the side of the dial on the front of the safe. All you have to do is start turning the knob. Stop whenever you hear the tumblers click, and turn the other direction. Repeat until the locking mechanism makes one last big click, and the safe will pop open, revealing a huge stash of cash.

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What about just breaking into a building? Piece of cake. Just reach into your hair and pull out a bobby-pin. (Guys, if you don’t have a gal with you, find a paper clip.) Now pull the bobby-pin open a little and shove it into a door lock. Jiggle for a few seconds, and the door will fly right open.

Kidnapping isn’t very nice, but in movies it’s often part of the caper. Again, it’s pretty easy if you know how. First, get a white hanky and keep it folded in the palm of your hand. Next, follow your intended victim into a parking garage—all the best kidnap victims hang out in parking garages.Lastly, cover their mouth with the hanky. They will pass out immediately, without any struggle at all. This will also render them nearly weightless, making them easy to carry to your villain hide-out. Also, most kidnap victims in movies will succumb to Stockholm Syndrome in a matter of hours and fall hopelessly in love with you.

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Now for the big one—The Bank Heist. You’ll need at least two friends for this one, plus a getaway driver (see stealing a car, above). You all will need to dress completely in black. Don’t worry about the security guards noticing a group of armed men in black jumpsuits—they never notice details like that in the movies. Also, carry a can of shaving cream or spray-paint with you. This is for the security cameras. Spraying them with paint or cream completely disables them, even retro-actively, so nobody will see your faces. As far as the actual robbery goes, no need for handing the teller a note, just scream out that you’re robbing the place. The tellers will then throw bags of money at you and then you can leave quickly by your getaway car.

I’m sure you’ve noticed plenty of other fantastic ways to commit crime in the movies, most as easy as the ones I have mentioned. So why doesn’t everyone become a movie criminal? Well, there is one downside to the whole racket. It turns out that in most of the movies you see, the criminals get caught and sent to jail—if they’re lucky.

Who is your favorite movie criminal? Let me hear from you!

That’s a wrap for this Toast to Cinema. Thanks for reading!

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