I can’t believe I watched the whole thing.

Have you ever watched a movie, and when the final credits began, you looked at the people on either side of you and said, aloud, “Huh?”

Even worse, have you apologized to your date, because you were the one who picked the title?

Maybe worst of all, you refuse to tell others you actually saw the film. “We shall never speak of this to anyone.” Unfortunately, I have said that on more than one occasion.

There are hundreds of movies made every day that make me wonder who was blackmailing who to get that produced.

My husband and I have watched dozens of movies that were recommended by family or friends, and basically checked them off the list. When the movie is over, we actually make an exaggerated check-mark in the air to express our feelings of mediocrity.

Let me remind you, I am a movie fan. I love movies. When I find one unsatisfying, it upsets me. I can’t get those two hours back.

When I watch a terrible movie, I sometimes feel the need to talk about it for days, just as a form of self-therapy. I still can’t tell you what The International was about. I thought I knew, once or twice while I was watching, but in the end—I’ve got nothing. There were bank executives and assassins, spies and other people with guns. I don’t know who the good guys or bad guys were. I think there were just too many characters that you never really like.

The Love Guru had a few funny moments. I thought Mariska Hargitay stole the show, if it had been worth stealing. It wasn’t. It was ridiculous rather than witty. If I had been a seventeen-year-old boy, I might have enjoyed it.

In Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I loved Michelle Yeoh and Chow Yun Fat, but I could not figure out the story. I was confused, because I thought I was seeing the same person in two different roles. Was the princess also the thief? I thought she was, but was told she wasn’t. After reading a synopsis of the story, it turned out I was right, but I still don’t think I understood it. Even with foreign language films, I don’t think you should have to read additional materials to figure out what you just saw.

Now I’m not saying that the three movies I mentioned are completely without merit. Crouching Tiger won all sorts of awards. The cinematography was breath-taking, and the acting was great. The story just made me feel like I’d been dropped into the middle of China without knowing a bit of Mandarin.

The “music video” moments in Love Guru made me laugh out loud. Mike Myers can be hysterical. I just wished I had spent the time re-watching So I Married an Axe Murderer instead.

As far as The International goes, I’ll confess to choosing it because Clive Owen was the lead. If you have to waste two hours, I can think of worse ways. After all, there is always Howard the Duck.

That’s a wrap for this Toast to Cinema! Thanks for reading!

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